Realistic Sword Art Online
by war hippy fatigues
Summary: Still better than Garry's Mod.
1. Facebook Is Unreal SDK

The grand opening of Korea's newest hit MMO designed to suck money out of male whales did not have the best opening. The experiences of a particular beta tester ended up being especially damning to its future.

Kirito Whateversama, a fourteen year old boy with absolutely no life or social skills worth mentioning, tried to login to the game on the day of its launch. Due to massive queue times, he ended up being kicked over to a Chilean sever with a ping measured in four digits.

"Welcome to the opening of Sword Art Online," a generically attractive anime fairy said as he finally managed to connect to the server. "Please check out the virtual cosmetic shop. Please. Pleeeeeease."

Kirito's in game avatar, AppleJews, popped into the lobby, where a great gathering of players were stuttering back and forth while trying to get a handle of the VR controls. A deafening chorus of kids and people who figured out how to play sound clips over the chat system was rattling the windows of the nearby shops.

"How do you - how do you - how do you - how do you - how do you - how do you - how do you - use voice chat - use voice chat - use voice chat - use voice chat - use voice chat -"

"Anta baka? Anta baka? Anta baka? Anta baka? Anta baka? Anta baka? Anta baka? Anta baka?"

"The first time I masturbated, I was all alone with a venus fly trap. And I said to myself, you know what, I want this venus fly trap to become a penis fly trap..."

Kirito quickly fumbled for a teleport scroll, only to find that some gifted individual had completely redone the functional inventory system for the beta and also renamed half the items. Eventually he managed to get his hands on a 'blue pill', and used it to send himself to anywhere but the tutorial village.

He arrived on an open grassland where a night elf called AznNightMare666 was busy grinding dire boars.

"Hey man," Kirito said. "What the hell is up with these queue times?"

AznNightMare666 didn't respond, so Kirito waved his hand in front of the night elf's face. The utter lack of a response from this clued him in into the elf's true nature.

"It's a bot. Someone made day one bots for this shit. Woah."

Just then, everyone in the server was mass teleported to the tutorial village again. The face of the lead programmer's avatar stood above them, who had thankfully muted everyone else before the sheer amount of concentrated autism smashed everyone's ears in.

"Aheheheheheh," the totally fat-sounding programmer wheezed through a mouthful of Cheetos. "G-g-guess what I did to the game. I, u-u-uh, I made it uhhh, uhhh you c-can't log off. The only way you caaaanuhhh win is uh to beat the game on flour hundred. Heh. But if you d-die in the game you uhh, uhh die in real life. Because people, uhh, die when they are killed. Heheheheh."

Kirito, assuming that whatever came out of a programmer's mouth must be as steaming as the loads horses tended to drop, opened the menu and found that, surprisingly, he could not log off at all. Combined with the Novocaine powered VR gear, it meant that he was stuck in the game along with everyone else.

"P-pretty good right? Also, I made a majeeck spell to uhh turn you all into your uhh r-real selves."

A magic wave spread itself over the crowd, which became noticeably fatter and more male.

"Uhhh, y-yeah. Awesome. Cool. B-bye."

The programmer then unmuted everyone and disappeared. Kirito hastily followed suit, managing to save his eardrums from the gigantic outpouring of racial slurs that was sure to follow.


	2. Every Day We Stand Up For Our Rights

Kirito was one of many players gathered in a local auditorium forming a raid to take on one of the game's first bosses. This attempt at forcing cooperation on the crowd of greasy slobs wearing several bits of medieval themed armor (and one strange person dressed like a Sonic character) had been going relatively well for SAO standards.

"OKAY, EVERYBODY JUST LISTEN TO ME FOR FIVE MINUTES -"

"Bazinga! Bazinga! Bazinga! Bazinga!"

"MUTED! YOU'RE FUCKING MUTED YOU LITTLE PIECE OF TRASH!"

"YOU CAN'T MUTE ME! MY UNCLE RUNS THIS GAME AND HE'S GONNA BAN YOU F-FOR BEING MEAN!"

"SomeBODY once told me -"

Several rounds of adding select characters to select ignore lists eventually helped clear up the situation into something comprehensible.

"Alright," a man by the name of MikeLovesLitoris said. "Does anybody know anything substantial about the boss?"

"I beat him in the beta once," Kirito said.

"What was he like?"

"He died in three hits."

"I banged your mom in three hits," said a raspy teenager wearing a samurai helmet upside down.

"That's not helpful!" 'Mike' said. "I want strategic info. Stuff that might actually help us win."

"Dude, do you think this is fucking Starcraft or some shit? I'll have you know..."

Hey, you. You the reader reading this. Have you ever wondered what blue color is made of the scattering light that comes from the sky? The sky is blue. That's some avant garde shit right there. Go outside right now and tell me that blue isn't the bluest blue you've ever seen. I went to college, okay? I know what my blues are like. Breathe in, breathe out. You're receiving ~AIR~. AIR becomes blood in your bloodstream that blooms into reactions that fuel your combustion cycle. Are you good with that? I know I am. You're discovering right now. DISCOvering. What does that mean? I'm not sure. Ideas, man.

Don't just share this on your social medium and forget it. Remember the vapors. Remember it all. You're evolving into something more now. Beautiful. You're reaching beyond the stars. Watch TED talks. Become attuned with the universe outside the world. Those are the steps. Take them. You're now on another plane of existence. On the path to enlightenment. Think real hard for a moment. This isn't just about you looking for cummies anymore. Ask yourself: if you're in heaven, do they play moeshit there? Are you going to find reruns of K-ON! or Lucky Star in God's fingertips when he's directing you to the living room? Are you going to find your favorite Asuna doujins hidden under the pillows? No, you're not. I'll tell you something, buddy. It's all NTR there. All of it. A never ending selection of NTR.

NTR.

NTR.

NTR.

PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

The boss died in one hit, then


End file.
